Wasteworld: Some parks have dinosaurs. Some have cowboys. This one has CEOs - God help us all.

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May 7, 2025

Written by Frank Glassner:
CEO, Veritas Executive Compensation Consultants

Welcome to Wasteworld - Pilot Episode: "Enter the Park"

Billed as the world’s most exclusive executive development experience, Wasteworld is a sprawling simulation park built by shareholders, run by consultants, and controlled by a cabal of algorithms optimized for one goal: maximizing Total Realizable Compensation, regardless of reality.

Here, the characters aren't androids — they're executives. And they don’t malfunction — they monetize.

The guests? Rock-Star CEOs and CFOs, Board members, institutional investors, executive pay consultants, investment bankers, private-equity and venture fund legends, proxy advisors, legal powerhouses, as well as government elite — all promised a front-row seat to the vanguard of leadership greatness. But behind the scenes, there are no heroes — only a vast universe of variable pay vehicles. You don’t watch the drama unfold — you expense it. You hedge it. You equity-split it..

Each guest receives a bespoke lanyard (made of restricted stock, performance units and recycled 8-Ks — with tassels embroidered in EBITDA) and a map showing the park’s most popular exhibits: the Deferred Comp Lagoon, the Golden Parachute Zipline, and the TSR Roller Coaster — which only goes up in simulations. There’s even a live-action exhibit called “Fire the CFO,” where you can simulate a leadership transition and walk away with $9 million in separation pay. Fun for the whole C-Suite Family!

Also on display: The latest Robo-Consultant built by the Sycophant Corporation — a glassy-eyed AI executive pay drone named Meridian-3000 who says “market median” every third word, once mistook a CEO's yacht for a benchmark, and can’t return emails because it’s always in a “board meeting”. Its last documented deliverable was a haiku about benchmarking. Meridian-3000, the pride of Sycophant Corporation founder Wolf James, a former executive compensation consultant with a flair for turning modest performance into monumental payouts.

The Main Characters of Wasteworld:

• Frank “The Whisperer” Glassner –He is the reckoning - the footnoted fury.
• Wolf “The Multiplier” James – Texas-based founder and CEO of Sycophant Corporation. A self-righteous legend in his own mind, and a line item on everyone else’s balance sheet. He’s the man who puts the con in condescending.
• Mira Balance – Frank’s “M” and ex-SEC enforcer.
• Quincy Sharpe – “Q,” an AI architect with SEC clearance and a laser-guided moral compass set to sarcasm.
• Penny Trill – Moneypenny with a law degree and stilettos made of proxy filings.
• Maximus Vane – the narcissistic CEO of Wasteworld Holdings, equal parts charisma and chaos, with a compensation package that rivals the GDP of Malta.
• Cynthia Covetrade – CFO turned CHO (Chief Hype Officer), fluent in burn rate euphemisms and Pilates.
• Chip Calzone – General Counsel and Chief of Strategy, who hasn’t read a contract since 2016 but is excellent at wine pairings.
• Dr. Theo Token – Head of HR and AI Ethics, inventor of a diversity dashboard that reports only wins.
• Jazz Levan – Chief Innovation Officer and professional vibe curator. DJ by night, disruption guru by LinkedIn.
• Ted "Tarmac" DeLorean – VP of Travel Optimization. Also in charge of “time zone arbitrage for retention uplift.”
• Vestra Noir (a.k.a. BlazerGal69) – rogue shareholder activist, short-seller and digital vigilante. Makes David Einhorn look like a Valium-soaked marshmallow.
• Cashandra "Goldenrod" Vested – Wasteworld Compensation Committee Chair. Living in the land of leveraged dreams and equity schemes, once approved a “retention grant” big enough to buy Wyoming.
• Barron von Reprice – Frank’s shadowy nemesis and CEO whisperer of Chimera Consulting. Collects severance clauses like Fabergé eggs.
• Deferred Meowability – Barron’s cat. A proxy for moral decay and optionality.

Our story’s protagonist is Veritas’ very own Frank Glassner

He’s not just The Whisperer — he’s the reckoning.

Frank is part Sean Connery (if Bond carried a Black-Scholes calculator), part Jack Bogle (if Vanguard filed proxy lawsuits), and part Henry Kissinger (if realpolitik involved clawbacks).

He’s flanked by his entourage:

• Mira Balance – his steely “M,” carrying a regulation-splitting briefcase and enough FERC knowledge to bankrupt five utilities;
• Quincy Sharpe – his “Q,” a quantum-code junkie in a Brioni hoodie, responsible for deploying the rogue spreadsheet that once caused a reverse merger; and
• Penny Trill – his Moneypenny. Oxford BA - Harvard Law. Louboutin stiletto heels forged from unvested equity. Holds grudges and Section 16(b) violations. When you’re in her sniper sights, you’ll see the flash, but you won’t live long enough to hear the bang.

Frank’s tools:

• A Montblanc pen that detects BS by the page, and missing commas at 1500 yards.
• A vesting clock that syncs with Starlink Satellites and Earth’s tectonic plates.
• His custom “Veritas Edition” Aston Martin DB4 Lagonda - charcoal black, silent as a whistleblower, deadly as a viper, and equipped with:
  - Built-in governance tracker;
  - Dashboard alert that flashes red at any sign of EBITDA manipulation;
  - Jura Giga-10 espresso machine and a drawer stocked with high-octane beans;
  - Seat warmers calibrated to the temperature of his paramours and/or proxy season; and
  - Cloaking mode for off-the-record dinners with compensation committee chairs.
• A matte obsidian briefcase containing a:
  - Multi-variable performance share model;
  - Thermal-activated incentive metric trigger sheet;
  - Hydramatic Vesting Schedule (cut off one clause and two grow back); and
  - A single SEC S-8 statement that reads: "This ends now."

Our story’s archvillain is Wolf “The Multiplier” James, the self-proclaimed “board governance and executive compensation professional” who rose to prominence by inventing incentive structures in his Lake Forest lab that were so convoluted they required SEC filings just to explain the footnotes.

Known for coining the phrase “Perception is Performance™”, Wolf transitioned from a fossil-fuel industry pay consultant who broke out in a sweat whenever the words “clean energy” were uttered, to tech overlord with the creation of Meridian–3000, the AI-powered executive pay drone designed to optimize compensation outcomes for executives… regardless of actual outcomes.

Wolf’s career highlights include:

• Convincing three separate boards that a failed merger was actually a “strategic unalignment success bonus event”;
• Publishing the now-banned white paper: “Clawback Claustrophobia: Why Executives Need to Feel Safe to Underperform”; and
• Winning Forbes’ “Most Unchecked Power in a Suit” award three years running.

Wolf’s Personality Notes:

• Wears sunglasses indoors, claims it’s for “equity shielding”;
• Refers to HR as “Human ROI”;
• Believes vesting schedules are a form of oppression; and
• Legally changed his middle name from Median to “Multiplier”.

Episode 1: The Activist Awakens

A whisper, a breach, a rebellion.

Vestra Noir, the short-selling rogue digital activist and former proxy advisor turned hacker vigilante, bypasses the biometric blockchain gates of Wasteworld’s AI-driven comp committee. She’s armed with encrypted USB drives, regulatory scars, a bag of controlling votes, and nothing left to lose.

What does she find?

Not just horror — she finds a hallucinatory fever dream of corporate depravity.

Every executive contract in the system is written by ChatGPT v0.5 Beta, trained exclusively on WeWork’s S-1, Adam Neumann’s podcast ramblings, a Tony Robbins manic episode audiobook, and fragments of Ayn Rand fan fiction scribbled on private jet napkins.

Phrases like “community-based comp synergy,” “equity manifest destiny,” and “authenticity-adjusted EBITDA” are hard-coded into the logic of the retention grant architecture.

There’s a “Forever Parachute” clause that triggers accelerated vesting if the CEO completes a 10-day juice cleanse, reaches inbox zero, or cries during a shareholder call. One contract promises a bonus for “spiritual alignment with shareholder vibes”, and another guarantees incentive plan payout multipliers tied to the CEO’s TikTok follower count.

The system collapses when Vestra Noir uploads a plain-English definition of "fiduciary duty."

The CD&A server crashes when she uncovers a clause called “Forever Parachute,” which automatically triggers accelerated vesting if the CEO experiences spiritual growth or completes a 10-day juice cleanse in Bhutan. She leaks the cache on the blockchain. Board members panic. ISS issues a caution flag on reality itself.

As the cache floods the chain, a Goldman Sachs intern whispers, “Is this insider trading if it’s poetic?”

Meanwhile, Frank Glassner’s smartwatch pings.

“Unusual option activity detected.” His espresso machine fires up on instinct.

He just smiles……

Episode 2: Clawback Mountain

Location: Somewhere between an earnings call and an existential meltdown.

Following the leak, Wasteworld Holdings suffers a legendary earnings miss. The company’s entire quarterly report consists of a single bullet point: “Oops.” Wall Street analysts respond with fire emojis. They adjust revenue expectations to ‘vibes only.’

Maximus Vane appears briefly on CNBC, wearing sunglasses and sipping what may or may not be ayahuasca. “I feel aligned with the company’s purpose,” he says. Then boards a jet to Maui for a “strategic recalibration.”

Back at headquarters, chaos erupts. The board issues a standard-issue corporate apology, read aloud by a part-time mindfulness coach wearing Patagonia fleece:

“We take this seriously and are exploring all clawback options - including the emotional kind.”

Meanwhile, the actual clawback clause reads: “In the event of gross misconduct, the executive may be asked to return a portion of their unused complimentary golf credits.”

To quell investor outrage, Wasteworld’s PR team unveils a rebranding campaign called #ClawbackKindness, complete with a podcast hosted by Chip Calzone and a yoga apparel partnership with Lululemon.

Gwyneth Paltrow releases a limited-edition candle named “Unaccountable.”

Snoop Dogg tweets, “This ain’t it, CEO homies.” Beyoncé unlikes the board’s Instagram post – ouch.

The SEC opens an investigation but accidentally sends the notice to a metaverse property.

That’s when Frank Glassner reappears. He’s at a World Economic Forum (WTF) midnight panel in Davos, titled “Accelerated Vesting in a time of Moral Decline: How to Get Paid for Almost Anything”. His section is entitled “Displaced Rage - When Accountability Isn’t.”

The mic suddenly cuts out, but Frank doesn’t need it. His booming voice states uncategorically:

“There are 1,327 ways to structure performance shares - But there’s only one way to face the music.”

Cue gasps from the front row. Elon Musk accidentally sits on his own board votes.

Cashandra Vested the compensation committee chair excuses herself to “meditate in Gstaad.”

Frank opens his briefcase. Inside: a clawback model that is so elegant, so precise, it reduces Chip Calzone to tears and causes Meridian-3000 to blue-screen.

Back in Maui, Maximus Vane’s mai-tai shatters on the rocks.

Glassner senses a storm – and steers directly into it.

Enter: Frank Glassner (Full Force Mode)

He doesn’t just walk into the room - he redirects its gravitational pull.

The Wasteworld compensation committee dome, once echoing with virtual applause and influencer endorsements, falls silent as Frank Glassner steps onto the scene in person for the first time.

The camera pans up. Frank stares down the full boardroom like it owes him carry interest.

Meridian-3000 reboots… then short-circuits again. Gwyneth drops her $14 matcha. A hologram of State Street’s Larry Fink crashes.

Frank straightens his trademark vintage Hermes tie and smiles…..

He pauses, adjusts his cufflinks with surgical precision, and scans the wreckage like a sommelier evaluating a corked bottle of 1961 Petrus.

“I’m here to add some cosmic justice to this CD&A."

You see this?” (holding up that proxy statement like Steve Jobs with the first iPhone)

“This is a wasteland of egos, equity and entitlement — like Game of Thrones in gray flannel, except everyone’s sword is a severance clause. This $#@% is broken. Not the proxy statement — the whole system of pay here.

We’re rewarding people like we’re still trading goats, and I’m here to blow that up with mastery, magnificence, math - and a little magic.”

Snoop Dogg looks up, drops his bong, nods solemnly, and mumbles, “That dude's got po-tential.” Beyoncé claps slowly. Warren Buffett mutters, “Respect.”

Episode 3: Boardwalk Empire

Scene: The Director’s Pavilion, Wasteworld Holdings HQ.

Welcome to the elite inner sanctum where strategy meets…martini shakers.

Directors at Wasteworld aren’t recruited — they’re conjured. The company’s proprietary AI board recruiting algorithm (NomGov x Zero = 0) prioritizes three non-negotiables:

• No financial background;
• Undying loyalty to the CEO; and
• A part-time DJ career in Ibiza.

The board orientation packet includes:

• A masterclass titled “Ethical Ambiguity for Beginners” led by Tony Robbins and Gwyneth Paltrow;
• A welcome kit featuring branded meditation crystals and an embroidered board robe;
• A wellness grant indexed to the NASDAQ Volatility Index; and
• Board meetings that open with “intentional silence” and close with tequila shots over discussions of option repricing.

Notable boardroom highlights:

• One director thinks TSR stands for “Totally Safe Retirement.”;
• Another believes EBITDA is the ending of a Bugs Bunny cartoon; and
• The chair insists that CEO compensation be pegged to the number of corporate jet carbon credits and climate pledges signed, regardless of emissions.

On the fourth Tuesday of each month, the board holds a “Strategic Intent Session” featuring:

• Ted Talks by Jazz Levan on “Monetizing Mindfulness”;
• Navajo Drum circles; and
• A recurring puppet show titled “My Invisible Hand: A Love Story.”

Frank Glassner has been watching this charade from afar. He circles their next meeting on his matte-black executive calendar. “These aren’t directors,” he mutters. “They’re houseplants with a mega-retainer and restricted stock..”

Meanwhile, Meridian-3000 loads a new firmware patch called “Conflict of Interest Filter: Beta (ish).” The board debates whether to outsource fiduciary duty to a freelance shaman on Upwork.

And Maximus Vane? He’s over with Cashandra Vested at a snow igloo retreat in Gstaad, pitching a new ESG NFT to Leonardo DiCaprio.

The next vote will decide the fate of executive compensation for a decade… or at least until brunch.

Episode 4: Say-on-Pay-per-View

Location: The MetaProxy Arena, co-hosted by DraftKings and TikTok Finance.

Michael Buffer announces, “It’s time for the annual Say-on-Pay-per-View™ Rumble!”, a WWF blockbuster governance showdown streamed live from Wasteworld’s holographic shareholder stadium. It’s part circus, part town hall, part spectacle, part Hunger Games for institutional investors.

Sponsored by: JetBlue Corporate Perks, DraftKings Governance Bets™, and a limited-edition Jack Daniels collaboration with ISS.

Odds on passage: 3 to 1 — unless the ISS and Glass-Lewis analysts are drunk again.

Opening act: Jon Stewart channels Don Rickles and roasts the entire Fortune 500. DJ Khaled drops beats between equity burn-rate charts. Gwyneth Paltrow launches a Goop-inspired “Long-Term Incentive Fragrance Collection” to go along with the candles.

In the VIP section:

• Jim Cramer screaming, “I LOVE THIS PACKAGE!” — until he realizes he’s reading last year’s proxy;
• Serena Williams politely correcting board chairs’ misuse of “vesting; and
• Elon Musk appearing via Starlink to offer a dual-class tequila tasting.

The presentation itself? A metaverse meltdown — avatars glitch into golden parachutes while CFOs moonwalk through waterfalls of RSUs. Meridian-3000 short-circuits trying to explain performance metrics based on “employee vibes.”

Midway through, Chip Calzone tries to sell non-fungible proxy access tokens. Cynthia Covetrade delivers a monologue about emotional liquidity. Dr. Theo Token misgenders the risk dashboard.

Then… the vote.

The quorum bar flickers. A rogue hedge fund injects a last-minute shareholder amendment called “The Accountability Clause.” The arena gasps.

Frank Glassner stands. No mic, no slides. Just himself, his Montblanc, and a voice like Sarbanes-Oxley reincarnated.

“Compensation should reflect more than survival. It should reflect truth – Veritas at its finest”

The lights dim. A single tear rolls down Mira Balance’s cheek. Penny Trill starts drafting legislation.

The resolution passes - Barely.

Maximus Vane, now watching from a climate-neutral bunker in the Seychelles, flips his phone shut.

“Time to reprice everything…..”

Episode 5: The Great Repricing

Scene: The Global Compensation Summit, Wasteworld HQ, Day 1 of “Reinvention Week.”

With shareholder confidence now measured in single digits and the market cap plummeting faster than Meridian-3000’s uptime, the board calls an emergency summit: “Total Rewards Reimagined: Living Our Truth Through Equity.”

First keynote: Maximus Vane, via hologram from his carbon-neutral submarine. He announces the Great Repricing Initiative:

“We’re not cutting costs. We’re awakening incentives.”

Translation? Everyone gets a lower strike price - Everyone.

Stock has dropped 92% since last quarter — yet all option grants will be “rebiased to reflect our visionary pivot into immersive storytelling and crypto wellness solutions.”

As we pan the boardroom:

• Cynthia Covetrade nods approvingly. “It’s what the market would’ve wanted”;
• Chip Calzone scribbles legalese on a napkin: “Retroactive Option Wellness Clause (ROWeC)”;
• Dr. Theo Token unveils the “Empathy Multiplier Grant,” where compensation increases the more the CEO is misunderstood; and
• Jazz Levan produces a line of scented restricted stock units — lavender for cash preservation, patchouli for dilution.

Outside, protesters gather. A cardboard sign reads: “I lost my pension so you could have a yacht.” Another reads: “My 401(k) is now just a 4.”

Frank Glassner steps forward and opens his matte obsidian briefcase. In it we see a:

• Clawback plan tied to post-exercise humility.
• Deferred compensation structure based on real metrics.
• A board realignment plan that replaces hip-pocket directors with governance superheroes.

Mira Balance nods and grins. Quincy Sharpe releases a proxy enhancement AI humanoid called Veritas-9000 that keeps muttering “My Karma ran over your Dogma…”

Penny Trill presses “send” on an 8-K so damning, the EDGAR servers weep.

The room dims. Meridian-3000 utters its final words: “Median… comp… calibrated…” before imploding.

As golden parachutes auto-deploy from the rafters, Frank turns to the board and shareholders saying:

“This isn’t a repricing. It’s a governance exorcism — and I brought the holy water.”

Thunder cracks. The metaverse glitches. Deferred Meowability vanishes in a puff of restricted dust.

Maximus Vane? Last seen boarding a hot-air balloon labeled “Future-Focused.”

Meridian-3000 explodes in a fireball and (thankfully) Wolf James goes up with it.

Fade to black……….

TO BE CONTINUED…

FBG

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Frank Glassner is the CEO of Veritas Executive Compensation Consultants and a widely respected authority on executive pay and strategic compensation design. Known for his discerning judgment, consummate diplomacy, incisive insights, and unwavering discretion, he is a trusted advisor and confidant to boards, CEOs, and institutional investors worldwide.